I haven’t blogged in a while. There has been a lot going on in my life - which is really no excuse at all. You would think that all the drama would have made for some great blog posts… or does it?
December 25th I found out I was pregnant. Early February, before I’d reached the security of the twelve week mark, I started having some indications of a miscarriage. Tests were run, ultrasounds took place, results came back (not all good). I was eventually told everything appeared to be ok and that my symptoms may have been from losing a twin early on but there was still one healthy baby.
In the midst of all this, I wrote a three-part blog series about my experience facing the possibility of another pregnancy loss. It was extremely personal. I cried while I wrote and poured my heart out on each page. But then once I had finished my work, I found myself strangely reluctant to post it on my blog. I usually enjoy sharing personal stories and experiences – it’s therapeutic to write them, it’s a liberating rush to share them, and I think it can also be quite fascinating for others to read these type of stories; we all sometimes enjoy a glimpse into other peoples’ personal-lives, minds and hearts – a walk in someone else’s shoes. But for me, this experience was unexpectedly too personal to share.
Perhaps my emotions were and are too fresh still. Or perhaps it’s because the details of this story are not just mine to share, but they also belong to my husband, my family, my unborn child. Maybe it seems wrong to entertain others with such a near-tragedy. Or perhaps, I am not as strong and honest a person as I attempt to project myself to be. Is it possible that a small part of me is ashamed to discuss the challenges I have faced with conception and carrying pregnancies to term? I don't think so but I’m not entirely sure. Haven’t I taken some pride in my willingness to share these personal stories? Isn’t that what my blog has been about? Sharing what goes on in my mind with the world?
I think my blog is about to embark in a new direction. I still want to tell fun stories, I still want to write entertaining posts that will sometimes make my readers laugh and at other times make them think, question or reexamine their beliefs, and I still want to share as much of myself and my life with my readers as possible. But I have become increasingly aware of my audience and a sense of responsibility towards them. I want to write more about my writing, about my projects, about my experiences as an author. As much fun as it is to write just for myself, I am not the only one reading my blog and I need to write for my readers too (even though I hope a lot of you have enjoyed what I've written/posted so far). Lately I’ve found myself thinking about how a blog should be different than a journal or a diary – or at least I would like this one to be. And I’ve reached the decision that some things may just be too personal to share. My posts will still be coming "From the Mind of Suzi" but... they may be filtered a bit more during the process of transforming my thoughts and opinions to words on a page.
This feels a little “heavy” so let’s end on a positive note. After all the ups and downs I’ve faced since finding out I’m pregnant again, I’m finally ready to announce it - I’m pregnant! I’m due September 5th, 2011 and am about… 15/16 weeks? I’ve seen my baby wiggling away on an ultrasound screen and I’ve heard his/her heartbeat, the most beautiful and precious sound in the world.
Life is good.
Suzi
Showing posts with label pregnant. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pregnant. Show all posts
Mar 14, 2011
Aug 16, 2010
The Best Intentions
I have a few friends right now who are pregnant - including my sister (love you!). It's been nearly a year and a half since my days of waddling around town and rubbing my budda belly, and though I still don't really miss it, I have been somewhat fondly reminscing about my pregnancy lately.
I didn't really enjoy being pregnant; it was ok but not the lovey-dovey, cherished time in my life that I was told it was supposed to be. I didn't feel like a "sacred vessel of life". I felt like a bloated whale who was always hot, hungry, thirsty and tired (sounds attractive, right?). My darling baby was a wiggler right from the start and he loved to wedge his little, pokey feet in underneath my ribs and push... (shudder) my ribs creak at the memory. Don't get me wrong - there were good parts too and I suppose a small part of me may one day miss being pregnant... a little. The hardest part for me though was all the unwanted attention that went along with it.
Pregnancy, for me, was a personal, private and emotional experience. But I suppose since it's such an obvious, public condition everyone else feels like they are involved in your pregnancy too. I hated how people would always look at my ever-expanding waist line before they looked at my face. I felt violated whenever someone would (without asking permission) start rubbing my belly (something that you would never dare do to anyone else). I detested being asked the same questions over and over again, usually by people I didn't even know - "how far along are you?" or "do you know what you're having?" and "when's your due date?" And it annoyed me how people expected me to share every personal and intimate detail of my pregnancy when I so obviously did not want to. I'm just not the kinda girl who can have a conversation about her cervix, especially at a work function.
Being pregnant is a bizarre and often hilarious time though. I thought I'd share with you some of the random things people asked me and the questionable (not to mention unsolicited) advice I was given while pregnant.
People REALLY said these things to me, though some may be hard to believe! Sorry if you recognize a statement here as one you may have made. Please note that I love my family and friends and know that all advice was given in love and all comments were made with the best of intentions at heart. That being said... what were you thinking?
ENJOY!
- "You're glowing!"
This one I heard a lot and always new it was complete BS. Pregnant women don't glow, they sweat.)
- "I bet your husband likes how 'well-endowed' you've become."
This one was said to me at the work place (did I mention I worked in an Elementary school at the time? A little inappropriate, non?)
- "Is your Doctor worried about how small you are?"
I think maybe there's a compliment hidden in that one... maybe? A note to the wise - never comment on a pregnant woman's size or shape in any way other than to tell her that she's "all baby" (I couldn't hear that one enough!).
- "Has your Doctor said anything about how much weight you've gained?"
- "You look great... for being pregnant."
In my opinion, qualifiers negate the compliment.
- "You're huge!" And also, "Look how big and fat you're getting!"
To which I pointed out, 'I'm not huge or fat - I'm pregnant! There's a BIG difference - it's called a baby!'
- "You're so lucky - you're not even that bloated."
- "You can't be seven months pregnant! Are you sure you've got your dates right?"
No, you're right. Myself, my healthcare providers, the 3 ultrasounds I've had - we're all wrong. This question was followed up by the ever-appropriate:
- "Do you know which night you conceived?"
And I was similarly asked...
- "Did you know the moment you got pregnant? Was it a special night? When was it?"
These very personal questions were asked by two separate people, one at a family function and another at a child's birthday party. Both people had very loud voices. You can cringe for me if you like.
- "Babies are a lot more work than puppies!"
An old woman told me this when I commented that her puppy was cute... She was one of the few people who found me, in all my pregnant glory, offensive. I turned 26 while I was pregnant but was often told I looked a few years younger. A few seniors shot me some scandalized glances - it was sorta fun. What was also fun was when people asked...
- "How far along are you?"
The only reply to that was, 'Far along with what? Oh... did you think...?' and then watch them try to backpedal. This is especially fun when you are in your ninth month of pregnancy. It really confuses people.
- "Childbirth is the most painful thing you've ever experienced."
Really... why tell a pregnant woman that?
- "You'll be cursing your husband's name once you're in labor!"
I didn't. I cursed the name of that lady who wrote the Hypnobirthing (painfree labor) book - for selling me a lie that I wanted so badly to believe!
- "Are you scared about giving birth?"
Does it matter? It's obviously too late for second thoughts.
- "When your water breaks, you'll be overwhelmed by a peaceful wave of tranquility. Your body's biologically programmed that way."
When my water broke, I was in the "Transition Phase" - aka. most intense part. It was not peaceful. And finally...
- "Does it bother you that your baby looks nothing like you?
No, I'm ok with it. I remember quite clearly how he was born and am pretty sure he's mine regardless. It would bother me if he didn't look like my husband. That would be awkward.
And then the old-wives tales that people insisted were true. None of these were:
"Your cat will try and smother your baby."
Which was not quite as silly as...
"Your cat will be jealous of the baby because he'll be able to smell your milk and not want the baby to drink it." (A mother of 3 told me that one but I'm pretty sure she was stoned.)
"Because you don't have heartburn, your baby will be bald." (He was born with a full head of hair.)
"Because your baby moves a lot, it will be a girl."
"You'll go at least a week past your due date because it's your first baby." (He was born a day early.)
"Spicy food will make you go into early labor." (We eat a lot of Indian food, I was fine.)
"You're belly is too oval-shaped so you're going to have a girl." (Definitely not a girl.)
"They'll give you an enema as soon as you get to the hospital." (I assure you, they certainly did not.)
"Episiotomies are routine." (Don't know what that is? Look it up - you'll be scared.)
And despite all this helpful advice, I made it through my pregnancy and labor experience ok, and I may even, possibly, do it all over again one day. Maybe.
I'll end this post with a pic of me when I was 34 wks pregnant:
Suzi
I didn't really enjoy being pregnant; it was ok but not the lovey-dovey, cherished time in my life that I was told it was supposed to be. I didn't feel like a "sacred vessel of life". I felt like a bloated whale who was always hot, hungry, thirsty and tired (sounds attractive, right?). My darling baby was a wiggler right from the start and he loved to wedge his little, pokey feet in underneath my ribs and push... (shudder) my ribs creak at the memory. Don't get me wrong - there were good parts too and I suppose a small part of me may one day miss being pregnant... a little. The hardest part for me though was all the unwanted attention that went along with it.
Pregnancy, for me, was a personal, private and emotional experience. But I suppose since it's such an obvious, public condition everyone else feels like they are involved in your pregnancy too. I hated how people would always look at my ever-expanding waist line before they looked at my face. I felt violated whenever someone would (without asking permission) start rubbing my belly (something that you would never dare do to anyone else). I detested being asked the same questions over and over again, usually by people I didn't even know - "how far along are you?" or "do you know what you're having?" and "when's your due date?" And it annoyed me how people expected me to share every personal and intimate detail of my pregnancy when I so obviously did not want to. I'm just not the kinda girl who can have a conversation about her cervix, especially at a work function.
Being pregnant is a bizarre and often hilarious time though. I thought I'd share with you some of the random things people asked me and the questionable (not to mention unsolicited) advice I was given while pregnant.
People REALLY said these things to me, though some may be hard to believe! Sorry if you recognize a statement here as one you may have made. Please note that I love my family and friends and know that all advice was given in love and all comments were made with the best of intentions at heart. That being said... what were you thinking?
ENJOY!
- "You're glowing!"
This one I heard a lot and always new it was complete BS. Pregnant women don't glow, they sweat.)
- "I bet your husband likes how 'well-endowed' you've become."
This one was said to me at the work place (did I mention I worked in an Elementary school at the time? A little inappropriate, non?)
- "Is your Doctor worried about how small you are?"
I think maybe there's a compliment hidden in that one... maybe? A note to the wise - never comment on a pregnant woman's size or shape in any way other than to tell her that she's "all baby" (I couldn't hear that one enough!).
- "Has your Doctor said anything about how much weight you've gained?"
- "You look great... for being pregnant."
In my opinion, qualifiers negate the compliment.
- "You're huge!" And also, "Look how big and fat you're getting!"
To which I pointed out, 'I'm not huge or fat - I'm pregnant! There's a BIG difference - it's called a baby!'
- "You're so lucky - you're not even that bloated."
- "You can't be seven months pregnant! Are you sure you've got your dates right?"
No, you're right. Myself, my healthcare providers, the 3 ultrasounds I've had - we're all wrong. This question was followed up by the ever-appropriate:
- "Do you know which night you conceived?"
And I was similarly asked...
- "Did you know the moment you got pregnant? Was it a special night? When was it?"
These very personal questions were asked by two separate people, one at a family function and another at a child's birthday party. Both people had very loud voices. You can cringe for me if you like.
- "Babies are a lot more work than puppies!"
An old woman told me this when I commented that her puppy was cute... She was one of the few people who found me, in all my pregnant glory, offensive. I turned 26 while I was pregnant but was often told I looked a few years younger. A few seniors shot me some scandalized glances - it was sorta fun. What was also fun was when people asked...
- "How far along are you?"
The only reply to that was, 'Far along with what? Oh... did you think...?' and then watch them try to backpedal. This is especially fun when you are in your ninth month of pregnancy. It really confuses people.
- "Childbirth is the most painful thing you've ever experienced."
Really... why tell a pregnant woman that?
- "You'll be cursing your husband's name once you're in labor!"
I didn't. I cursed the name of that lady who wrote the Hypnobirthing (painfree labor) book - for selling me a lie that I wanted so badly to believe!
- "Are you scared about giving birth?"
Does it matter? It's obviously too late for second thoughts.
- "When your water breaks, you'll be overwhelmed by a peaceful wave of tranquility. Your body's biologically programmed that way."
When my water broke, I was in the "Transition Phase" - aka. most intense part. It was not peaceful. And finally...
- "Does it bother you that your baby looks nothing like you?
No, I'm ok with it. I remember quite clearly how he was born and am pretty sure he's mine regardless. It would bother me if he didn't look like my husband. That would be awkward.
And then the old-wives tales that people insisted were true. None of these were:
"Your cat will try and smother your baby."
Which was not quite as silly as...
"Your cat will be jealous of the baby because he'll be able to smell your milk and not want the baby to drink it." (A mother of 3 told me that one but I'm pretty sure she was stoned.)
"Because you don't have heartburn, your baby will be bald." (He was born with a full head of hair.)
"Because your baby moves a lot, it will be a girl."
"You'll go at least a week past your due date because it's your first baby." (He was born a day early.)
"Spicy food will make you go into early labor." (We eat a lot of Indian food, I was fine.)
"You're belly is too oval-shaped so you're going to have a girl." (Definitely not a girl.)
"They'll give you an enema as soon as you get to the hospital." (I assure you, they certainly did not.)
"Episiotomies are routine." (Don't know what that is? Look it up - you'll be scared.)
And despite all this helpful advice, I made it through my pregnancy and labor experience ok, and I may even, possibly, do it all over again one day. Maybe.
I'll end this post with a pic of me when I was 34 wks pregnant:
Suzi
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