I haven’t blogged in a while. There has been a lot going on in my life - which is really no excuse at all. You would think that all the drama would have made for some great blog posts… or does it?
December 25th I found out I was pregnant. Early February, before I’d reached the security of the twelve week mark, I started having some indications of a miscarriage. Tests were run, ultrasounds took place, results came back (not all good). I was eventually told everything appeared to be ok and that my symptoms may have been from losing a twin early on but there was still one healthy baby.
In the midst of all this, I wrote a three-part blog series about my experience facing the possibility of another pregnancy loss. It was extremely personal. I cried while I wrote and poured my heart out on each page. But then once I had finished my work, I found myself strangely reluctant to post it on my blog. I usually enjoy sharing personal stories and experiences – it’s therapeutic to write them, it’s a liberating rush to share them, and I think it can also be quite fascinating for others to read these type of stories; we all sometimes enjoy a glimpse into other peoples’ personal-lives, minds and hearts – a walk in someone else’s shoes. But for me, this experience was unexpectedly too personal to share.
Perhaps my emotions were and are too fresh still. Or perhaps it’s because the details of this story are not just mine to share, but they also belong to my husband, my family, my unborn child. Maybe it seems wrong to entertain others with such a near-tragedy. Or perhaps, I am not as strong and honest a person as I attempt to project myself to be. Is it possible that a small part of me is ashamed to discuss the challenges I have faced with conception and carrying pregnancies to term? I don't think so but I’m not entirely sure. Haven’t I taken some pride in my willingness to share these personal stories? Isn’t that what my blog has been about? Sharing what goes on in my mind with the world?
I think my blog is about to embark in a new direction. I still want to tell fun stories, I still want to write entertaining posts that will sometimes make my readers laugh and at other times make them think, question or reexamine their beliefs, and I still want to share as much of myself and my life with my readers as possible. But I have become increasingly aware of my audience and a sense of responsibility towards them. I want to write more about my writing, about my projects, about my experiences as an author. As much fun as it is to write just for myself, I am not the only one reading my blog and I need to write for my readers too (even though I hope a lot of you have enjoyed what I've written/posted so far). Lately I’ve found myself thinking about how a blog should be different than a journal or a diary – or at least I would like this one to be. And I’ve reached the decision that some things may just be too personal to share. My posts will still be coming "From the Mind of Suzi" but... they may be filtered a bit more during the process of transforming my thoughts and opinions to words on a page.
This feels a little “heavy” so let’s end on a positive note. After all the ups and downs I’ve faced since finding out I’m pregnant again, I’m finally ready to announce it - I’m pregnant! I’m due September 5th, 2011 and am about… 15/16 weeks? I’ve seen my baby wiggling away on an ultrasound screen and I’ve heard his/her heartbeat, the most beautiful and precious sound in the world.
Life is good.